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'IS YOUR MAN OFF SEX?'

REASONS

The reasons for being ‘off’ sex can be varied. Right from the physiological (but I won’t get into that) to the ‘mental’. Psychosexual aspects unfortunately are rarely considered when it comes to man’s sexuality – maybe because that’s so unmanly! To accept that his sex organs are between his ears rather than his legs makes many a man squirm! But the importance of what he THINKS can’t be emphasized enough. Because as you think so you feel and as you feel so you do, or in this case, don’t do!

So if he has a nag of a wife or a pest in a partner how can his juices flow? He hates her drone, talks to himself incessantly how he can’t stand her carping and wishes that he could simply plug his ears with invisible ear plugs when she begins. So instead of feeling sensuous, he’s irate, dissatisfied and grumpy and in this condition how can he possibly be on! ‘Off’ it will be with him not even being able to get it up!

Emotional well being in relationships determines to a large extent the sexual wellness. And if the former is in disorder the latter falling apart is very common. So the first question a woman needs to ask herself if her man is ‘off’ is ‘What have I done to create this condition!’

Of course all sexual ‘offs’ are not about an enraged nagging woman. Many a man uses sex as a weapon (who said women are the only offenders?). Annoyed and offended and unfortunately not having any weapon other than his penis, a tit-for-tat kind of man withdraws and deprives what she dearly wants. Hey presto, he’s taught her, her lesson! Dare she mess with him again! Yes, many of the world’s worst wars are not fought on the battleground but by married couples in bed! And what a war! So often sex (in this case no sex) is a score settler.

Passive aggression – who said anger is always overtly displayed? Withdrawing is a great way to display anger – never heard of the great sulk? That could be another reason for your man being ‘off’!

Attraction to another. Monogamous mating can often be fraught with boredom and regularity and since not too many people use their heads to innovate and create ways to stay attracted to each other, other attractive people come by. So watch out for falling out of lust. More common than one would imagine.

Anxiety – when he knows that he may not get it up, stay hard enough, come too quick or last long enough, he dives under the sheets to avoid surfacing and performing. So from ‘I’m too tired’, to ‘I’ve got a headache,’ to ‘I’m too stressed at work’, excuses become a way of escaping. He’s terribly frightened – of himself and his inability! So he’d rather be ‘off’ than fail! After all if he didn’t try, he’d never get a chance to blame himself for being unmanly!

Pressure to be of a particular kind! Many men share (false) notes about their sexual prowess – a gullible believer believes all that he hears and compares himself to what he hears. Alas! Trouble begins. Since he believes that he can’t match up he switches ‘off’!

Other Idiosyncratic reasons also exist. The above however are some of the most common ones.

CURE

The overall relationship needs to be examined if physiological causes have been ruled out.

How does the couple relate to each other in non-sexual aspects? Is there constant strife, discord, bickering? Does the man constantly feel criticized, blamed, unappreciated. Does he see himself only as an object – to provide materialistically and then sexually! There can be many ‘wham bam thank you man’ kind of women whose only goal is often to get a good lay, the rest of the relationship be damned. When the man perceives this he finds himself ‘used’ and withdraws. So, overview the entire association and do what it takes to get it in order, sex then will be a natural byproduct.

If the man is using sex as a weapon or as a tool to settle scores bring it to his notice. Teach him that doing so is one of the most detrimental ways of relating and whatever the issues, they need to be sorted by communicating and dealing with them. Silence is not golden and communication is the key to many ills. Teaching him better coping strategies and taking professional assistance may help.

Keeping romance alive requires work, hard, hard work! Innovating, experimenting, talking about preferences and what gets us turned on is one way of remaining attracted. Taking care that one is not so blasé about the natural functions like passing wind without sensitivity to the other, burping, making crude or unrefined actions in front of the partner, roaming starkly unclothed so that there remains no element of surprise or desire, can be something to be prevented against. Yes, as trivial as it sounds many men do not get turned on by women who are so uncaring, insensitive and casual about their appearance and do nothing to keep the mystery and sensuousness alive.

Do not listen or believe everything that you hear. There is much of exaggeration in all the sexual stories that float around. Do not have some unrealistic benchmark about how long you should last, how hard you should be or how often you should have sex. This is no competition – not with another and definitely not with yourself. Every encounter does not have to be a proving game – because great sex happens when you are out there for the purpose of pleasure, not for the purpose of one-upmanship!

AVOIDING THE PROBLEM

Sensible ideas of love and lovemaking will go far in helping men lead sexually healthier and fulfilling lives. Apply the above and you should have little problem in being ‘on’!